Ding ding ding! The thing is he takes work trips more often than I do! we can all agree that either way, Husband isnt likely to change his behaviour without some outside intervention, so I do hope that counselling is an option for them. I resent our new hires for setting better work-life boundaries than our company normally has, hairy legs at work, my office sent me a random TV, and more, heres an example of a great cover letter with before and after versions, my employee cant handle even mildly negative feedback, my new coworker is putting fake mistakes in my work so she can tell our boss Im bad at my job, insensitive Diversity Day, how to fire someone who refuses to talk to us, and more, weekend open thread February 25-26, 2023, assistant became abusive when she wasnt invited to a meeting, my coworkers dont check on people who are out sick, and more. Sure within reason. I havent missed a day other than scheduled vacation. Just my two cents. Street photography! Ive done that before too, and it was invaluable in setting healthy boundaries in a sane, functional manner. Unless hes got super-deep anxiety, how do you just kind of throw out but you might CHEAT on me if you go to Sin City!! If a person has surrounded themselves with a bunch of people that thinks its normal for one spouse to tell the other what they are/arent allowed to do, thats a beyond red flag. There are lots of places in the country where the approach the OP describes is perfectly normal, and where its a lot harder work to find somebody who disagrees. We went off the beaten track and it was just like any other city. This is none of his business and catering to his insecurities is not your responsibility. I was bottle feeding at the time and would simply feed as my SO drove as well as changed diapers at either gas stops or just quickly in the car versus making 30-45 min stops. OP, how long do you think you can tolerate his behavior? That said, in order to see them, we either have to travel to see them or they have to travel to see us. Plus, if youre on the strip, you dont ever really have go on the streets. You can pretty much get from one end of the strip to the other cutting through casinos and over skywalks. My *70 year-old* cousins house. When hed worry about what to do if, say, the house burned down while i was gone, I pointed out he could handle it just fine. As someone with an anxiety disorder myself, I can understand the uncontrolled thoughts the husband is having. Husband Doesn't Want to Come with the Family on Vacation husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Him trying to get her to conform to a cultural norm that shes rejecting isnt necessary toxic, but just because its somebodys culture doesnt mean they get to impose it on others. I just caught that you were the main provider in your home. We went to the Grand Canyon, went ziplining in the mountains and had a great without ever stepping in a casino. Spiking drinks, assault, kidnapping happen in tiny places as well as large places. Not a geographic nexus of evil thats so perfect. If he balks or outright refuses, then that might be a signal that theyre in abusive territory and LW should consider solo counseling to decide how best to handle it. Because thats the only possible response to that stunt. They dont have to go out of town to do it. Congratulations! And people are all I wouldnt let my wife go we have done bigger problems here. Im really not interested in goingI dont gamble, I dont care for tourist attractions, etc. But honestly? I think its not up to any of us to determine what OPs husbands major glitch is. Its just not reasonable to expect a spouse to not travel for business, and I cant imagine a whole group of people who would say such a thing. You should protect your son! Illegal prostitution happens in Vegas, to be sureas it happens pretty much everywhere in the country. Ugh. But VEGAS?! thats the strangest technique Ive ever heard of to try and get back together with someone. This is CONTROLLING and MANIPULATIVE behaviour. But my wife really worded it in a way to get the Im a crazy jealous husband. Is it indulging in a pleasurable vice? He doesnt have friends. Its not bad practice to not accept food or drink from strangers, or let your drink out of your sight at a bar, but Id worry about those things much less in Las Vegas than in a local bar. Life is too short to be stifled by someone elses insecurities. Even if it is a general anxiety issue, speaking as someone with plenty of personal experience with that, theres still a relationship issue here. Because setting some reasonable limits is part of that. Oh, for sure. Business trips for him are salt in a wound, Im guessing. This educational content is not medical or diagnostic advice. We actually started in couples counseling and it was working through that process that convinced him to go to individual counseling and go on medication. Right now hes in Alaska shooting a documentary. Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. At least thats what happens to *me* at conferences whether theyre in Kansas City or Honoluhu. What helped me was to realize that this is something Im prone to do, recognize it when its happening, and mentally tell myself whats real and whats not real. One suggestion is to be sure that any connection you two have while youre on the trip is done in private. Ive been in enough therapy to know thats my brain lying to me, and my spouse and I work together to come up with coping strategies to help ward off these thoughts, but they are always there in the back of my mind. his friends wouldnt let their wives go. I played the slots for all of 5 minutes and that was it. She and I have spoken about it, in part because I travel without my husband a lot, including to family stuff. Right!? And you will regret it even more if your marriage ends and you put yourself in a worse position just to appease irrational fears. But this doesnt seem to be important to the OP she recognizes that she should be allowed to go on business trips. He was already in counselling and they focused on this issue for a while. Its like a bachelor/bachelorette people think they have a free pass because of the occasion and act way more out of line than they would at, say, a bridal shower. Ithewhat??? It might not end up factoring into your decision when your career and marriage are in the firing line, but its probably useful information for you to have. OP, I believe that professional help figuring out what exactly is going on (including ruling in or ruling out a medical cause like primary anxiety or OCD) and getting professional treatment based on that, is the best first step for you here. I agree that the OP should not even consider not going on the trip. Bringing your spouse along on a work trip only works some of the time, and it definitely doesnt work if the spouse has already exhibited controlling behavior. Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. If OP and her husband are from perhaps a small conservative town and the husband has never been, theres a slim chance that hes reacting to this reputation. Ehhh, I actually dont see so much wrong with friends weighing in on aspects of ones relationship when a friend comes to me and says, This is something thats happening in my relationship, would you call that problematic? I definitely dont say, Its none of my business! I give them my read of the situation, just as they do for me. Whoops, tried to highlight he says and stumbled into some html. When one leaves, its done! He wasnt healthy for me. BTW, I hate the what happens in Vegas slogan and commercials as someone who did have a relationship end because of my partners infidelity, its not something that I find funny or amusing, and I cant imagine Im alone in that. Yes. You write that he is friendly but just doesn't like to socialize outside of the house. Thats a bright, flashing red sign. Ill wait. (Gendering the partners here solely for the purpose of clarity and conciseness. As it were. Hopefully, a good counselor will see what, if any, underlying issues may be playing into this mess and refer him in the right direction. I dont gamble much. Another option is to share infowhen you get there take a picture of where you are stayingshow the agenda, let him know what you are doing, check in at the end of the night. It will improve not only this small piece of your relationship, but his whole life. Hey, if they didnt want me to take 2 Jacuzzi baths a day they shouldnt have put a TV in there! Everything he is afraid of is very very unlikely to happen and no more likely to happen in Vegas than any other city. I think this is my problem with some of the suggestions that OP should bring her husband on the trip. should I be so emotionally drained by managing? And when your husband does things like that, why would you choose him over anything else? The only time my husband would object to a business trip of this kind is if I had to fund it myself or if it was a conflict to another event on our calendar (wedding or family vacation). Just to give you an idea, my husband, my 10 week old, and I went to New Jersey this past weekend to see some of my husband's family. w/o massage $45, pools, hot tubs, steam, sauna, nibbles. Fine with me. They have to want to change. And it ignores other possible explanations. This is WAAAY different than not having a closed door meeting with a member of the opposite sex, though. Sometimes your partner will say they support you in fleeing the nest, and they may want to support you with all their might, but are battling with feelings of their own. Funnily enough, I never cheated, never had my drink spiked or got kidnapped during these excisions to sin city. My husband nearly had to go to Vegas for a conference a couple of months ago (were in the UK so its pretty far!) It got dark on my (2-hour!) The gambling and drinking are pretty easy to not participate in if you dont want to. I think that marriage counseling is the right way to go. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation BTW- my husband didnt blink an eye when I told him I was going to Vegas for a whole week with a male co-worker. You know, because theyd been there for the last year and had witnessed all of it and hadnt just heard his side of the story through his rose-tinted glasses. Its actually better that way now for example, its now possible to eat a meal without hearing about keno. Thanks for weighing in, Working Wife; were on your side, and we hope you can resolve this. In a vacation environment totally devoid of any stress, I couldn't stand to be in my husband's company. Dont engage with his arguments. He told me one day that the previous weekend, a few months before the upcoming wedding, his fiance broke up with him while they were sitting on the couch watching TV. That doesnt mean I believe totally that hubby polled everybody and reports the results fairly, but it really doesnt have to be an indication that he ignored a local majority to find like-minded people. My take is that the uptick is in reporting and discussion, not the behavior itself. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. This makes me MAD. And opportunities to cheat and people who will spike a strangers drink exist in every city. Ive now chosen to travel for my job to offset he loneliness. Context does not change would into wouldnt. They have PUDDING, OP. She once had a fit that I was going to Target at 8:00 on a Wednesday. When does his flight land? Which is actually one of the reasons why I think this is not just a control issue. Because my husband trusts me. by Christy Cox for Divorced Moms. Super reasonable! Are you ok with dealing with his overexagerations, accusations, and paranoia whenever you go for a trip by yourself or is it starting to get on your nerves. Is he anxious about everything, or just the fact that youre going to vegas? If so, maybe its just a weird fixationbut if he often has nervous, fearful, or otherwise disproportionate reactions to things, it might be worth seeing if he can get some help with that. Except I divorced mine. Captain Awkward is amazing when answering questions about control, manipulation, and gaslighting. The counseling would then help them sort out their individual issues as well as provide them tools to handle the communitys judgment as well. Main Menu I would say that its not necessarily couples counseling that is needed, but that your spouse needs to talk with someone. My point was, shes hearing about friends opinions second-hand. It is ideally set up to host conferences. We had dinner at night and then literally went to sleep the moment we returned from dinner. The best parts of Vegas arent actually in town. In which case OP should divorce his sorry ass posthaste, because those guys are genuinely dangerous and also do not deserve companionship. Last year when she went not only did I work my 2 jobs but I tiled our laundry room to stay busy and keep my mind on things. Best of luck to you. My husband usually goes on an annual drinking trip with his buddies (they all go to a particular beer festival in a nearby city). We were in that stage of "dating" where we wanted to do everything together, only he didn't fly and didn't really enjoy travel. An emotionally distant husband may often seem indifferent or indecisive about decisions: Vacation destinations. He had experienced previous panic attacks on flights, hated the "cattle type" travel experience, and at 6'2+ was uncomfortable in the tiny airplane seats. And heres what wethink will help. He was so untrusting, I wondered if I had made a huge mistake in marrying him we had only been together for a little over a year before marriage. Unlikely if its not part of her character, but certainly more possible than in Eerie, Pennsylvania. My wife has said that the best way to think about it is that theres a problem with how I view things. ), but yes, getting reinforcement on the anxiety (in this case from the friends the husband surveyed) can definitely make things worse. Maybe his friends dont work either and are supported by their wives. Hecalledme, saying thatI acted childish becauseI pushed him totakeme, and Ieavesdropped. Also, if the OP is there for work, chances are shell be in meetings all day and then answering emails in her room at night. I have no idea. A few years back my older sister went to LV on a business trip with others. I read books. Anxiety is also a real possibility and I hate how offhandedly its been dismissed in most comments. Yes some people are probably going to jump all over me but let's be realistic here. Might I suggest Hotwire? The same concerns would translate for a man. If I had succeeded in keeping my mom from ever leaving the house, I would have started obsessing about the iron falling off the board and burning the house down, or everything flooding, or, or, or. Id do it again theres a mob museum and some other things Id like to see. And to the people who says its HIS problem, not HERS Im of a view that when you say I Do, His and Hers becomes OUR, it becomes US. Its really hard for people to disagree with their buddies in ways harsher than well, I dont know about THAT, but I can see where youre coming from., I can very easily see him going would YOU let your wife go on some so-called business trip with her sleazy coworkers to Vegas?? My husband and I went for our honeymoon, we had so much fun just walking through all of the hotels and people-watching, plus saw some really great shows. LWs spouse is overreacting for sure. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. But in that case Anxious Controlling Husband would worry the OP would leave him for a donkey, Nothing like a donkey show joke to class up a comment thread. Once I was done baby would go back into his seat until the next time. You need to do this to protect your relationship, because frequent anger is corrosive and damaging. What do you think?. I dont much care for Vegas. It sounds like theres a lot you two have to work through but if his primary concern is for your personal safety, as other folks have mentioned, Las Vegas is actually pretty safe for a big city. And, damn, every time I hear about kidnapping, it seems to be in Ohio or Mississippi, not places considered hotbeds of crime in US pop culture. Your post will be hidden and deleted by moderators. -03-2022, 0 Comments Thank you, other wise my husband is very supportive. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. Thanks! I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy? Your husband also seems really unduly anxious about Las Vegas. How To Travel Alone Without Ruining Your Marriage! Why wont he go on the trip with you? husband doesn t want to go on family vacationcomo llegar a los alpes franceses husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. A difficult or stressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. You cannot have a rational discussion with someone who is in an irrational state. Menu. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Granted, the event I was at was for a Fortune 100 company but in addition to the hotel security, they had private security and company reps everywhere. OPs husband sounds like my mom. Are we sure that survey actually happened? Its really hard to say without getting into his mind. I just saw the news about the mass shooting in Vegas. You can make decisions for yourself! Nevertheless, couples therapy is ALSO necessary, because this is something that affects them as a couple and that they need to manage as a couple, even though the main onus is on him for managing his fears or whatever other issues he has. Rooms were kinda cheap, and Im sure the convention center was cheap. Companies dont plan things in Vegas to put their employees at risk. Vegas isnt the problem here. This reminds me of when I studied abroad in London and my mom warned me about people like Jack the Ripper. Plus, I like to travel so it was a good excuse. Maybe he is just a lazy dude who wants to keep his cash cow working and under his thumb?? Many people we know (work, friends, sometimes family) just cant wrap their head around the fact that we dont need to be joined at the hip 24/7 and that were not jealous. Sorry, Im a nope here. Also it can help having an objective outsider there. Look at it again. I was /thisclose/ to emigrating to another continent at one point, tbh. Ive needed counseling in the past to deal with some trauma that led me down that path, so I wholeheartedly agree with Alison that you both face this problem head on. Maybe so, but I know plenty of people who, as JenB says above, have anxiety and dont express it in toxic and gendered ways that were really talking about two problems. Just in case. I agree with Allison though, this is a situation that requires some heavy duty marriage counseling no matter what. If you must have discussion, have them *later*, when everyone is calm. Mind you, I never told them that they shouldnt go (did tell my wife at the WTF? Sounds like this husband needs to identify exactly what he is afraid ofI highly doubt that both his wife cheating and her getting kidnapped are equal fears because they stem from different insecurities, but hey, maybe hes insecure about everything. of my colleagues are and having the convention somewhere like Las Vegas brings in more talent from around the world. My anxiety would destroy her ability to enjoy herself, and thats not fair of me. A Crappy Vacation Told Me My Marriage Was Really Over. Uncategorized ; June 21, 2022 husband doesn t want to go on family vacation . I go on a vacation with my sisters, or go to my cousins house in PA. We enjoy the time apart. Everyone thinks youre wrong.. Kidnappings, someone spiking your drink, etc. But Im not at all confident this is the source of the husbands issues :(. On the other hand, the OP could surely use some help in setting some reasonable boundaries and communicating as effectively as possible in the circumstances. I definitely do know what you mean, and what the OP describes is definitely on the problematic side of asking for permission she listed off reasons the husband has given that she shouldnt go to this particular place, not reasons why it would be logistically difficult for him or any other rational concerns. Agreed. At the time, we had 3 kids and they were around 5, 3, and 18 months. Did you say, thanks for confirming that I need to get away from you immediately & forever? And they happen to be adjacent to entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference. However, as hes not likely to acknowledge his issues without some therapy, couples counseling is probably a sensible place to ask him to start. Being with a partner whose anxieties and irrational fears are put on your shoulders is not healthy, and thank god I recognized it when I did! Clearly it was a biased survey either way, but Im just very curious :P. I can totally see it being true assuming his friends were not also her friends and therefore only ever got his side of the story on anything, so of course they believe him and think shes in the wrong. This is really weird and honestly, bordering on abusive (at the very least controlling). Feel free to point out where I did that. Because a healthy, loving partner does not do this. If it's something you really want to do, then I'm sure you can make it work, but it won't be easy. Business trips are a normal fact of life in many jobs. You dont have to have cause to break up with someone! I deal with these irrational fears with a sort of ritual where I always leave people I love on a positive note and let them know how much I love them, since the thought is always running through my head that I may never see them again. You might want to change, but also can't. If you need to go out and do things, go do those with your friends and family, or even initially-strangers via v. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . He is asking the wrong people. I went to Vegas last year and didnt do anything Vegas-y, other than see one show. Thats worrying about what other people will do TO me. I dont think Ive ever paid more than $200/night in Vegas, often much less even after the resort fees are tacked on. And it also sounds like this is unusual in their area, so its not a situation that he sees tons of people going through unruffled. I suspect LWs husband doesnt *really* believe she will be kidnapped in Las Vegas. I am angered that every time I have to go he seems to have an emotional breakdown. Ack. Abuse isnt as uncommon as you think it is. He wants me to refuse to go, but I think I could lose my position in the company or be treated differently. I have a friend that refuses to go to Vegas because he believes its the modern Sodom and Gomorrah. She Won't Tell Her Husband the Gender of Their Baby Because He Refused You really really need to have those shirts washed in that way? I belong to a profession that has an annual convention in Las Vegas. My mother is like this about my neighborhood because Im miles away from Philadelphia. The compromise? Seriously. The second I walked in the front door I thought this is exactly the type of place where the murder of the week happens in almost every episode. Im also someone that really tries to give the benefit of the doubt though. We split it into 3 traveling days both directions so it would be 6 hours and we are estimating 8 hour days, but know it could be longer. Its also an irrational state of fear and I think people forget what that means. by Alison Green on September 27, 2017. He was worried about me, because I was over worked and only had about 4 hours of sleep per night. From my experience with family members with these issues, I needed to learn how to help create a healing environment at home.
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